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October 2018

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Was pouring outside awhile ago. Liking the recent long string of rain. Very refreshing.

I realised yesterday how fucked up my mother is. She's trying to fucking conform me. Turn me into someone she wants me to be. I can understand parents if they take this conforming to a level. Beyond that and it's turned into repression.

What my mother wants me to become is the exact opposite of what I am. As I grow up, I should become more the person she wants me to be, and not myself.
A bit of what my mom wants is superficial. "Why can't you ever try to be pretty? Why can't you ever dress like everyone else? Why do you always have to wear black? Why can't you ever wear nice colors like white and pink? Why don't you cut you hair?"
Then, the rest of what she wants is a complete change of mind. "Why don't you help people more often? Why do you always have to be agressive? Why don't you love your sister more? Why don't you pray? Why can't you ever have ambitions I can be proud of? Why don't you like cute cuddly things?"

I got so fed up yesterday and told my mother that if I had been her, I would have killed myself a long time ago. She shut up. Probably wasn't the smartest thing to say, but I've had enough. I've fucking compromised enough. I'm what I am. This is the only way I can live with myself. The reason I havne't killed myself yet is because I'm relitavly a person I can deal with. I can look at myself and know I'm not completely superficial. I'm me to the best of my ability.(Not that I ever really show anyone who I really am.)
But who I am is someone my mother doesn't want to deal with. She doesn't want people to look at me and wonder how the hell she's raising me.

I always wondered where I got my completely selfish nature from. It isn't far from my mother's ideals about how she should presnt herself.

Don't know if mother's calmed down enough for me to go to work tomorrow. Either way, I don't care.